Why do so many of us move through the world feeling like we are not enough? Not just in obvious moments, but quietly and consistently, as if there is something within us that needs to be fixed before we can be fully loved or accepted. This feeling is not accidental. It is what we understand as shame.
Shame is more than embarrassment or regret. It is an intense internal experience of believing that we are unworthy of love and belonging. Shame is not simply an individual emotion; it is also shaped through relationships, environments, and systems over time (Hepworth et al., 2023). It develops through repeated messages about who we are supposed to be, what is acceptable, and what is not. These messages are often subtle. They accumulate across a lifetime and begin to feel like the truth.
Experiences of trauma, secrecy, or being silenced can deepen this process. When something painful cannot be spoken about, or is met with judgment, it often turns inward. Shame thrives in secrecy, silence, and judgment, reinforcing the belief that parts of us must be hidden. Over time, this does not just influence how we feel, but also how we see ourselves and how we believe others will see us.
Because of this, what is often labeled as resistance is rarely that simple. In social work, there is a shift toward understanding this behavior as ambivalence. Ambivalence recognizes that there is often something beneath hesitation or withdrawal. It reflects the tension between wanting change and fearing what that change might expose. According to Hepworth et al. (2023), change is rarely linear, and ambivalence is a normal and expected part of the process, especially when vulnerability is high.
When someone appears to pull back, shut down, or disengage, it can be understood as a form of protection rather than defiance. Ambivalence can function as a shield, a way of saying “back up” when something feels too exposing or unsafe. This is particularly true when shame is present. If being fully seen has historically led to judgment or rejection, it makes sense that a person would hesitate. From this perspective, ambivalence is not a barrier to change, but an entry point for deeper understanding.
Psychotherapist Esther Perel (2017) speaks to the tension between our need for belonging and our desire for authenticity. Shame often lives in that space. When individuals feel that they must hide parts of themselves in order to be accepted, shame grows stronger. However, when people are met with empathy and understanding, that dynamic begins to shift.
Meeting individuals with curiosity rather than judgment means understanding behavior within its broader context. This includes recognizing how systemic pressures, cultural expectations, and relational experiences contribute to internalized shame (Hepworth et al., 2023). Healing, then, is not about fixing what is “wrong” within a person, but about creating conditions where they can safely be seen and understood.
Shame is powerful, but it is not permanent. It begins to lose its hold when it is named, spoken, and met with connection rather than silence. When we shift from asking what is wrong with us to asking where these feelings come from, we begin to move out of shame and toward self-understanding.
Perhaps we carry so much shame not because we are inherently flawed, but because we have learned, over time, that parts of us are not acceptable. And perhaps the process of healing is not about becoming someone new, but about unlearning those messages and recognizing that we were always worthy of belonging.
References:
Hepworth, D. H., Vang, P. D., Blakey, J. M., Schwalbe, C., Evans, C. B. R., Rooney, R. H., Rooney, G. D., & Strom, K. (2023). Direct social work practice: Theory and skills (11th ed.). Cengage Learning.
Perel, E. (2017). The state of affairs: Rethinking infidelity. Harper.
